(TW: Self-harm) “I guess the first time I was depressed was when I got out of an abusive relationship in the 10th grade; he often called me a “whore”. I realise now that I was very depressed then. I had pressure of 10th board exams creeping up but I just couldn’t seem to concentrate.
The break-up was an isolated incident but adding to that family and personal issues became way harder to cope with. I know I had abandonment issues and I was dealing with anger issues too, at the same time. I had frequent fights with people I was very close to and each fight used to be excruciating. It would lead me down a spiral and I ended up losing all control over my own thoughts.
I was generally irritable, annoyed, frustrated and constantly like I had nobody to talk to. But, I decided to visit a doctor when I cut my hand the for the 2nd time. I remember crying a lot; the cut was too deep.
I ended up getting diagnosed with ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ and I finally understood what was happening to me and how to deal with it. But why was I going through this at all?
Did it have anything to do with the fact that one of my boyfriends cheated on me? One of them made me feel shitty about myself, and another treated me like I was nothing when I truly had feelings for him (which he knew about)? I was called a slut and a whore by him, in front of his friends.
I had gone through so much and it wasn’t reserved for my relationships alone. My family issues and personal struggles made every situation a 100x worse.
I still suffer from a severe lack of self esteem and confidence, but I’m working on it. I make art, cook and rely on music. I don’t know how long I can pull this off.
I wish I could just be happy and make everyone around me happy as well. People with mental health issues often find it comfortable to be in a rut, because they’ve been down for so long, they don’t remember how to come back up.” said Mahek Bajaj